I’ve spent the better part of the last decade working as a part time pizzaman at various establishments. Besides guiding for Free and Easy, it’s honestly been the best job I could have had while in university. The pizzaman goes to all the parties, and gets paid to drive around and listen to tunes. Over the years I’ve acquired my fair share of pizza wisdom, here’s a sampling.
Lower topping counts are often your best value, because each additional topping tends to reduce the amount of each other topping on the pizza causing you to pay more for less. Your average drunk who calls up and orders a large with 8 or 9 meats is often paying well more than the price of two large pepperoni and bacons as well as getting less pepperoni AND less bacon! Same goes for extra cheese, there’s no such thing as “double cheese” anymore, and the little extra you get will drive your cost through the roof. A true pizza guru is value conscious and wise.
Often people aren’t sure what to tip the pizzaman, here’s a quick guide. The average pizza tip, calculated over my last couple tours of duty is about $3.50 This is made up of a great deal of $3, $5, and $0 tips. The two most common tips are $3 and $5, and generally I consider $3 and up to be a fair tip. If you don’t tip, that’s your prerogative, and most pizza men are too complacent to care too much. I will guarantee you, however, that on a busy night, non tippers will almost always get their pizza last, (provided it doesn’t inconvenience me), and known tippers will get theirs first. That’s not to say I’ll leave an order for hours at a time, that’s bad pizza karma, but what I will do is schedule my delivery route to start at Mr. $5 house, and then, 4 deliveries later, arrive at Mrs. $0 abode. Fair enough.
These days everyone seems to have a yippy little dog, and I always like to comment when I get greeted by a golden retriever or a German shepherd “it’s nice to see somebody still has a real dog in this town.” People seem to like that. I have also drawn a direct correlation to the number of cats a person has re their probability to stiff me. And no, I don’t give a shit that Mr. Whiskers just ran out the front door, I’m not chasing him, let’s just hope he’s not under my car.
Drunks tip well, stoners are 50/50, middle aged women and kids are generally the cheapest. The kids think I think they don’t know they have to tip, you’re not fooling anyone kid! Of course there are exceptions to every rule, there’s one nice lady who orders a medium Mediterranean every Friday at 6 o’clock and always tips 6 bucks. Don’t tell the other drivers!
And as for that Captain Morgan’s bit about ordering a pizza and then getting a ride home with the delivery driver, I’ll usually do it, just don’t tell the taxi mafia.
The Life of Pie. 